It's been 14 months since we lost our daughter Jessica and still everyday I utter those words "surely it gets easier". Everyday I cry for her. For the life she can't have and the loss her twin sister is yet to feel. I gave birth to identical twin girls on 28/1/13 after years of trying and finally IVF treatment. Two days later the world came crashing down when we lost our beautiful Jessica. At 1lb 3oz she was just too tiny to survive. It had been a hard pregnancy but nothing could prepare us for what was to come.
I found it really hard to connect with the "outside" world. My life became that neonatal unit where Amelia was and where Jessica died. I lived for the brief time I could sit and hold Amelia skin to skin. It's safe to say Amelia got me through that time. I lived for her.
Friends and family were incredible. Rallying around without us having to ask. It was the ignorance of strangers I found hard. The words " at least you have her sister" almost killed me everytime they were uttered. I wanted to ask them which of their children would they choose between. I wanted both my girls. The neonatal unit became mine and my husbands support. There we felt cocooned by people who understood us and the pain we felt. Many of them had lost children themselves. We became institutionalised in a sense. I felt uncomfortable anywhere else. Like I didn't fit in anymore.
My family were my rock but anywhere else made me panic. It's amazing how we find the strength to carry on through the greatest tests. It didn't come easy. I needed a lot of counselling and it helped so much to finally face my sadness head on. Although everyday is hard Amelia makes it worth it. She is my hero. Amelia has been home almost a year now and I adore everyday with her. She is a happy carefree baby girl who loves people and everything life offers.
I dread the day when she fully understands what has happened to her and all I pray is that I can give her all the love she needs and support her through it all. You really never understand the strength you have till you have to use it.